Today’s News: Drug lord ‘El Chapo’ extradited to the U.S.
I wrote this one year ago while in Puerto Vallarta.
Gotta Do It
“Listen Guzman, we gotta do it. We gotta build a wall. Those Americans are flocking down here, drunks, fat people, cheapskates and they’re so rude. They’re ruining our beaches, raising our prices, and abusing our young boys and girls. They come here to buy their Valium and Viagra and Retin A. They come here to party until they get sick then blame it on our food and water. If I get elected here’s what I’m gonna do, Guzman. I’m gonna build a wall and make those Fat Cat Capitalistas pay for it. They won’t even know what hit them. We’ll have the cartels put a little tax on the marijuana and cocaine. And no more Affluenza Kids. I’m not gonna allow any more refugees from the North.”
“Relax Enrique. I think that lady with the fourteen facelifts wants one of those baskets of yours. Go and sell her one. And don’t trip over that Gringo Viejo with the sunburned beer belly. Take care of business, Enrique, ok?”
“I’m not just blowing off steam, Guzman. I’m serious. I’m gonna make this country great again. Which lady you talking about? They all look the same to me.”
“The one with the cavernous navel surrounded by rolls of fat who thinks she’s Taylor Swift.”
“I’m not going there. Last time she made me take every basket off the rope, pawed them with her suntan lotion-caked hands. Then she refused to buy anything until I cut the price in half and even then she wanted more discount if she bought more than one.”
“Okay, Enrique. I’m going over to sell her one of my flash fish mobiles. I’ll tell her that little anchor baby of hers will love it. The ugly spoiled brat’s eyeing it already.”
Guzman surreptitiously hands Enrique a thick envelope
“That’s not her baby stupid. That’s her grand baby.”
“I know but those gringas love it when you mistake them for being younger than they are. Works every time. Say, what’s the deal with those anchor babies anyway. Why should a gringo kid get all the privileges of a Mexican citizen just cause he’s born here?”
“It’s part of that Trans-Pacific Partnership thing. Obama said I had to go along with it or he’d put the screws to us to raise the minimum wage to 75 pesos a day. That’s almost five American dollars. Can you imagine what that would do to the price of beans and rice? Good luck with that bitch, Guzman. But mind my words, I’m gonna build that wall.”
Enrique puts the envelope Guzman gave him into one of his baskets. He makes sure no one sees him. You can’t be too careful dealing with El Chapo, especially on the beach where those damn reporters are watching, taking pictures and making accusations.
“I hate those fucking reporters,” says Enrique under his breath. “There always out there, spying, taking pictures, making accusations. I’d kill the bastards if I could. Well, no, I wouldn’t KILL them … or would I … hmm …”