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In this Era of Political Incorrectness where snowflakes are disparaged and whiners are told to “Buck up Buttercup,” I don’t feel compelled to warn you that you may be offended by what I have to say. However, because I have certain kumbaya qualities that cannot be shed no matter how hard I try, take this as a warning–what follows may be considered sacrilegious. You should stop reading right now if you are some kind of thin-skinned namby pamby.
I have no definitive proof of the existence or nonexistence of Bigfoot, God or Santa Claus. My best guess is that they all reside in the imagination. These three form a sort of Trinity in my theology much like God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. Whether they are “homoiousian” or “homoousian” I leave to the next Council of Nicaea to figure out. I side with Gore Vidal’s Julian (known among the faithful as Julian the Apostate) in these matters but that’s another story.
I focus here on Bigfoot. Back in the day (early 1980s) the famous Napkin Artists of the infamous Sea Gull Cellar Bar managed to collect enough evidence on Bigfoot to almost nail him down (no crucifixion pun intended).
For example, they wrote down this “to-do” list gleaned from a late-night drunk who swears he heard Bigfoot recite the list in a grove of redwood trees “somewhere on the headlands.”
Bigfoot speaks in a strange language of “otherworldly screeches and howls” combined with “wood-knocking and odd vocalizations including grunts, whoops, howls, whistles, and rapid-fire utterances”. This accurately describes probably fifty percent of the patrons of the Sea Gull in those bygone days.
To my knowledge, none of the Napkin Artists ever heard Bigfoot speak themselves nor did they ever see him. They set up a camera once but all they managed to capture was some creature that looked like a drunk skunk impersonating Bigfoot.
Some of the most intriguing evidence for Bigfoot collected by the Napkin Artists consists of a series of blood samples received Federal Express from Wanda Tinasky. Meticulous copies were made on bar napkins while the originals were sent off for DNA testing. I’m told by reliable sources the FBI has coordinated with Ancestry.com to search for any human offspring of the forest marauder. If Santa brings you a DNA kit for Christmas, you may have a surprise in store.
A number of mysterious napkins appeared anonymously over a several month period that many think bear directly on the Bigfoot controversy. To date no one has been able to decipher the code. The originals were mailed to Stephen Hawking but no response was forthcoming.
Bigfoot is known as Sasquatch among the locals because of his affinity for back scratching. “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” is a saying attributed to the Bigfoot species that entered the American idiom when the wall between Mexico and the U.S. was more porous than it is now, the original expression being: “Hoy por ti, mañana por mi.”
On a frigid winter morning in the Sierras one of our Napkin Artists, a nature freak, captured a rare napkin rendition of a Bigfoot covered with snow. Some time later, one of our more Bohemian artist friends was surprised by a Bigfoot lookalike hiding behind a tree along Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco.
None of this evidence that Bigfoot exists will be convincing to a dedicated skeptic. “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence,” said Carl Sagan. That may be true but a skeptic is not the same as a cynic. Extraordinary claims are sometimes made with good intentions. Think of President Kennedy’s moon speech. That’s not to say extraordinary claims aren’t sometimes made with bad intentions. We certainly see enough of that today.
So, where does that leave us? Bigfoot, God, Santa Claus? You know, on Christmas Day I’m not going to fight. I have my beliefs or lack thereof and you have yours. Today I’m going to stick with Epicurus as paraphrased by Jennifer Michael Hecht:
Epicurus says, ‘You know, if it feels good to pray, you might as well.’ Now, that’s an amazing statement for someone who says that there’s no one listening.
Of course, there’s a whole lot of caveats I’d put on that. But, not today. Peace out.